Elections leave something in the air.
This just in: Researchers at the Washington-based Center for Dangerous Smells have determined that national elections are the nation's largest generator of noxious and potentially explosive gases. The product of three years and 11 months of campaigning, the fumes generated from the 2012 political contests have knocked a hole in the ozone layer large enough to host everything ever published on the Internet. That includes the enormous volumes of social media jibber jabber because very little of it contains measurable substance.
In light of the claims of potential environmental (and political) damage, several groups have emerged: Those who deny that our political system is responsible for the noxious gases, including CNN, FOX News, CNBC and the Association of Bloggers Whose Words Matter; a second group who think that the scientists are right because the endless political discussions make them dizzy — but "really like the high" and want to tax it; and a small, but vocal group who believe that our nation has the right to generate and inhale those gases, but if you get sick and don't have health insurance, you're on your own, buddy.
Meanwhile, crowds are gathering on Facebook to form their opinions based on what everyone else is saying, while others are calling on the President and Congress to outlaw politics all together. However, the executive and legislative branches have failed to reach a compromise, and in fact haven't opened their mouths, much less lifted a finger since the last election. Reportedly, all communication between them has been limited to emails using exclamation points AND, IN SOME CASES, ALL CAPITAL LETTERS!!!!!!!!
The researchers who created the study are surprised by their findings. "Our thesis was that politicians generate lots of hot air and initially we thought we could capture that heat to use for an alternative energy source," says Dr. Ron Forecover, lead scientist at the Center. "When we began to measure the gases being released at political events, we knew there was a problem." He denied that to confirm their findings they measured the gas levels when Bill Clinton spoke at the 2012 Democratic Convention.
In related news, Bill Clinton issued a 3,000-page press release announcing his upcoming world tour. Reportedly, gas masks are "flying off the shelves" in the first countries on his list. Dr. Forecover says the Center continues its research to verify the findings but in the meantime, he suggests that the next time you go to a political rally, "don't light a match."
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